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ed_and_me's Journal

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  • ed_and_me@livejournal.com
I'm creating this journal as a place where I can be completely open about my eating disorder. It will chronicle my on-going struggle with food, weight, and the desire for perfection. If you are not tolerant or understanding of people with these sorts of disorders, this is your warning to turn back now. I don't want nor do I need anyone trying to tell me how to live my life. It would be ignorant and useless on your part as well.

Now that you know why its here, let me tell you who I am. I am a grown woman. I won't reveal my actual age because I dont want friends from my main journal, or from my life to be able to identify me here. I love them, but there are some things they just won't or can't understand about me. I'm a fat, worthless, cow. You may think this is harsh, but its really not. The truth hurts and its about time I started facing that truth.

There are many types of eating disorders, I have been diagnosed with 2, both at opposite ends of the spectrum during my life, and because of this I consider myself EDNOS. Firstly I'm an emotional overeater. I eat and eat and eat. I can be stuffed, but if I haven't eaten enough food to satisfy the emotional hole inside myself I keep eating until it numbs the pain. Then during other periods of the year I quit eating. I just don't quit overeating, I quit eating almost completely. I take in only what I have to to survive. I love the control. I love sitting back watching others put disgusting food into their bodies knowing that I have more self control than they do. That I am too good to put that fried, processed junk into my body.

Now...this yo-yo that I live in is obviously not working. It doesn't help me emotionally or physically. In fact, the combination of the 2 together causes much more stress on my body than if I suffered from just one normal ED (if you can call any ED normal).

So, that brings us back to this journal and its purpose. I don't think I will ever be rid of my obsession with food. I will always binge on something, and I will always starve myself...its just who I am. I want to do this in as healthy a way as possible though, and this is what this journal is for me. Its my daily struggle. My food journal. What works and what doesnt for me. Its tips I have found in other places. Its thinspiration, and most of all its another way of keeping control.